Its All Love, My Stupid Love

I've been stressing out a lot lately about my life. It's hard when everyone moves away for college and I'm still stuck here... but here's the thing. Even while typing that sentence, I dont wish that I had left, I just wish that everything didnt have to change. I wouldn't mind going back and reliving some of high school over... isn't it funny how we only appreciate things when looking back at them? I HATED high school when it was happening, but now, I would love to go back to the expected days, journalism, getting out at the same time, only being 10 minutes away, living life as a teenager... a kid, I sure didnt appreciate that fact that after high school, we go into The Real World. Yes, I put that in capital letters on purpose. I feel like because I am only going to a JC that I am forced to grow up more quickly than someone else. I won't be at my dorm partying, meeting new people, living on my own. Instead I will be here, getting a job, actually... two jobs, going to class, helping around the house, and living by my parents rules. It really is the worst of both worlds. I just hope that my life is still fun after all of this... I'm not worried about not having friends, or not having enough to fill my time with... I can always get more work, but what if my life is never as fun as it was when I was in Ashrey?

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

You Give Me Something To Believe In

I met with Steven and Becca today and was finally offered the details of the internship through BBYO next year. I will be mostly working behind the scenes, using dashboard, helping them out when they need it, and optionally staffing certain regional events. I am beyond thrilled. I will be getting $2000 for the full year (in monthly payments around $250). It may not be the best way of "moving on" in life, but who says that I have to? They are giving me the greatest gift of all, they are promising me that for the next year, I will be for sure doing something that is familiar and I know I am good at. I start September 27th and that date simply can't come soon enough. I dont care what anyone else says, holding onto BBYO is going to be the best thing thats happened to me in a long time.

The First Cut Is The Deepest

Melanie left for college again today, it seemed to strangely normal compared to last years goodbye. She put it simply, the goodbye is only hard when it means that this is the end, that everything changes, that life as we know it will never be the same. Now, we are simply going back to things being normal. 

It's really hard being the one that is left behind, I sometimes wish that I was able to start new, to go somewhere for college and have the experience that many many people are starting now. I don't regret the way I am doing things though... I would rather be somewhere familiar that I dislike, than somewhere new with no one I'm friends with that I dislike. Sonoma wasn't the place for me, and the only mistake I made was not trying hard enough in high school/not applying enough places that I actually wanted to go to.

I think this year is going to be a good growing opportunity... to stop relying on other people to be happy and to simply try to find that happiness within myself. It's time to move forward and start a new mindset, I will hopefully have a full time job, full time schooling, and then the internship at BBYO. Keeping busy is always a sure way to pass the time. It's just strange that from here on out, everything will be different... we are adults now. We wont go back to public education and the forced hanging out with people in our grades and feeling like outcasts and just the terrors of high school. Now, its all about the real world. Strange. Just as a side note though, I certainly wouldn't mind having an adult relationship, with a man who loves me. Yeah, that would be lovely.

Home Is Wherever I'm With You

My grandparents make me feel like the most beautiful person on the whole entire planet. I was feeling kind of down tonight, I wasnt able to go to an Ashrey event that all of my friends were at, Jessye was busy, I felt like everyone had left for college and I was just kind of stuck here feeling sorry for myself. So I called up my grandparents and asked if they wanted to have dinner, and of course they did. So we went to CPK and Nanny pointed out how this group of guys was looking at me, and the waiter was flirting with me. Idk. It was just really nice to be reminded that I am in fact pretty and well liked. Its nice to know that no matter what life throws my way, my family will always be there for me. It's a really good feeling. My mood is 100% turned around. I need to remember to go out with them much more often.

My Love's Too Big For You My Love

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I haven't been with a guy in over a year isn't because no one has found me, but because my standards are too high and I shut them out the second that they try to get inside. It's just that the first time I fell in love it hurt so bad, but at the same time... I miss the feeling more than I can even explain. I just want a guy to tell me that I am beautiful, that he loves me and ONLY me. I don't think I'm asking for much. I keep telling myself that it will happen when the time is right, everything happens for a reason, but at what point do we stop believing the bullshit slogans and start to think that maybe, just maybe, my love life sucks.

I am going out tomorrow with a guy, the only problem with this, is that this guy was the guy that one of my best friends lost her virginity to. He recently started texting me, after over a year of not talking. At first I thought maybe he just was bored and wanted someone to talk to, but then he invited me out to eat with him. I have been very hesitant... I have been talking to him for almost 2 weeks now and each time he has asked I made up things I had to do. but damn this guy is persistent! So now tomorrow I'm giving him his chance. I only hope that this is also my chance at happiness as well.

p.s. Is it wrong to date another guy when you are still pathetically in love with the last guy you dated? if so... then I'm a wrong person.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings I'll Be There

I feel like the shittiest person on the whole entire planet right now. I know this guy named Chris, at one point in my life, almost 4 years ago, he was someone I told all of my secrets too, my heartbreaks, my dreams, my hopes and goals for the future. This kid knew me inside and out. Oh and did I mention I was hopelessly in love with him? He was like a brother to me, our parents were best friends and we were over at their house all the time, I used to fall asleep leaning on him, on our favorite spot on the couch. I used to sit in his room and listen to music and complain about stupid things. We used to sit at the edge of the airport where our dads worked and just tell each other everything, but that was a while ago. Things changed in the past few years, he had family problems, started taking up drinking and drugs and met slutty girls... we just didnt have as much in common anymore. Throughout everything though, we remained pretty close friends. I no longer considered him my brother, or my obsessive crush... but we had once been friends on a deep level and if he needed me, I would still be there for him.

So he called me earlier this week and I didnt think much of it, just ignored the calls... I was at a party, or busy with friends. Whatever the reason, I didnt answer the phone. Then tonight my mom came home and told me that his mom had sent him to rehab in Utah. Its a high-lockdown intense rehab where he will be for atleast 6 months. He is allowed no contact with the outside world, other than emails from three designated people, my mom, his mom, and his aunt. So for the next 6 months, I will be unable to speak to him, and the only thing I can keep thinking is, I know this is good for him... but I wish I had picked up the phone and had a chance to say goodbye. I am going to miss him soo much and I wish I would have realized that before he left. 

So Chris, when you get back... I hope you are more like the guy that I first fell in love with, because I miss him more than I could have ever imagined. This will be good for you. Stay safe and in high spirits. I love you. 

Wild Horses I Want To Be Like You

Sometimes, I wish I was able to get over things more quickly than I do. I have spent the last couple of days obsessing over whether I was allowed to facebook chat my ex-boyfriend. How insane is that? I had a really crazy dream last night, where my best friend was making out with him in a swimming pool, so I looked up what that meant on dream analyzer and it said,"a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings, its time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts," so I felt that this had to mean something and decided to do something about it.

 So finally tonight I worked up the courage to do it and I have no idea what I was so afraid of... I mean we just talked like normal people for a while and then, here is the weird part. We both said that we had to go, at the same time. I know its wrong and crazy and insane to be like this, but he was the first guy I ever loved and I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to be friends. If its what helps me move on, then I think I should be allowed to. Fuck what every else says and thinks. I will get over things how I want to, when I want to. Thank you very much. I feel better tonight than I have in a long time. 

The Times, They Are A Changing

Exactly 3 weeks from today I start my first day of community college. Its a scary concept. Its like, the whole entire life that I have worked on for the last 18 years, the friendships, the success, what does it matter now? When now its time to start all over? Now I know that I am lucky in some aspects, because I am not leaving, but who's to say that its easier being left behind instead of leaving? 

I have had the most incredible past 2 years of my life since joining BBYO. I finally found a place where people accepted me, where I was able to thrive, where I belonged... I'm scared that I will never find something like that again, that I have already seen the best that its going to get. What happens if I dont ever feel the kind of love and excitement I felt the day that I won for regional board, the day I cried my heart out when Melanie gave her lives, the months of being N'siah, the feeling of falling in love for the first time. The feeling of love and belonging that BBG gave me. I am afraid I will forget this.

I feel like a lot of the past years have also come with people leaving, and changing so dramatically when they come back... what happens if Jessye leaves and things are never the same again? What if we never have a friendship the way we do now? I think I just have issues with change.

The only thing to do now I guess is to wait and see what happens, which im terribly bad at. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be okay, that people only change for the better, that everything happens for a reason, that good things fall apart so better things can fall together. but here's the thing. people can say that shit all they want. and im unable to believe it. call me a pessimist. but I just dont know how.

im afraid of being left behind again.